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Stronger Relationships
Richard Erskine's 8 Relational Needs
Based on his work in Integrative Psychotherapy, Dr. Richard Erskine identified eight core relational needs that are essential for emotional well-being and fulfilling relationships. When these needs are consistently met, individuals feel secure, valued, and connected. When they are unmet, it can lead to conflict, distance, and emotional distress.
Understanding these needs can be a powerful tool for couples, as it provides a shared language to discuss what might be missing in their connection.
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Security: The need to feel physically and emotionally safe within the relationship. This is the foundation of trust, allowing both partners to be vulnerable without fear of ridicule or rejection.
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Validation: The need for your thoughts, feelings, and experiences to be acknowledged and accepted as meaningful and valid. This is about feeling seen and heard by your partner, even when they don't share your perspective.
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Acceptance: The need to be loved and appreciated for who you are, without the expectation of having to change. This involves being accepted by a stable and dependable partner, which fosters a sense of self-worth and confidence.
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Mutuality: The need for a shared experience and empathy. This is the desire to be with someone who "gets it"—someone who understands what you're going through because they have had a similar experience or can imagine what it is like.
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Self-Definition: The need to define and express your unique identity, values, and opinions without fear of losing the relationship. This is the freedom to be an individual while remaining a part of a couple.
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Impact: The need to feel that your actions, words, and presence have a meaningful effect on your partner. This is about feeling that you matter to the other person and can influence them in a desired way.
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Initiative from the Other: The need for your partner to actively reach out and initiate contact, care, or affection. It's the experience of feeling wanted and a sense that your partner desires connection as much as you do.
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Expressing Love: The need to give love, care, and affection to your partner and have it be received and valued. This is as essential as receiving love and contributes to a sense of emotional intimacy and purpose within the relationship.
Understanding Procrastination
TA theory identifies the subconscious"Be Perfect" driver as particularly linked to procrastination and overthinking.
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Be Perfect: This driver-based behavior causes an individual to believe that a task must be done perfectly. Because perfection is an impossible standard, the person becomes stuck in a cycle of over-planning, overthinking, and fear of criticism. The easiest way to avoid the inevitable "failure" of not being perfect is to simply not start the task at all.
Life Scripts and Procrastination
Procrastination is often a behavioral manifestation of a deeper "life script" formed in childhood. This script is based on injunctions, which are negative, non-verbal messages from parents or caregivers. The behavior of procrastination might be a fulfillment of a specific injunction.
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"Don't succeed" / "Don't make it": A person who received this injunction might unconsciously sabotage their own success by procrastinating. They may feel uncomfortable with success or believe that achieving goals will lead to negative consequences, so they avoid completing tasks that would lead to that outcome.
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"Don't do anything": This injunction leads to a general sense of helplessness and inaction. Procrastination becomes a way of life, reflecting a core belief that taking initiative or making an effort is pointless.
By understanding procrastination through the lens of TA, a person can challenge old injunctions with new "permissions," and make a conscious "re-decision" to change their behavior.
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